True north and points beyond

Posted on | August 17, 2008 | 17 Comments

Thank you for the comments, emails etc…I miss you too and I read, though rarely comment anymore. I’m fine, just feeling quiet. Living it all instead of recording it for a change—honoring the pull to simply be in it observing my own reactions.

web in the sun

That’s me there, soaking up the sun and shaping my world as best I can, and thinking about how much of my world was lived vicariously on the web for so long. I think for a while it may even have been at the cost of my own emotional wellness. It’s been good for my whole family for me to step back a little bit and work on my own little corner of this rapidly changing world.

There are so many strands to follow around the web of life and every one takes me somewhere I need to go, no matter how outside my comfort zone. But more often than not this summer, I’ve found my way back to the light spot in the center to just rest, reflect and feel the pull of home. Oh, how I feel you, home.

Work is absolutely furked unto the lord right now and the daily insanity is just such a drain. Vendors not getting paid. A massive trial with the parent company that could mean total ruin for everything under that umbrella. Nobody knowing what to expect each day, yet work rolling along as if it’s not all about to crash and burn. I pop out the ass end of each day feeling like I spent nine hours deep under the surface of the earth in the over-air-conditioned dark, trying to navigate with nothing more than my hyper sense of righteous indignation.

I get home and try to putter in the garden before making dinner so I can soak up the reality from the plants. It has the power to bring me back to myself. I love the mirror of a garden’s constant expression of its true nature.

long view of the south side garden bed

It’s such a strange sensation being gone all day and coming home to see that the children continue to grow, the garden has a life of its own. It’s as if I never noticed it before with such a stark contrast of This and That, Here and There. Maybe it’s just the forties. Time moving so much more quickly than it ever did before. Everything feels urgent, but I make myself slow down and breathe and let it all unfold. I find that I move ever closer to the life that I want by being awake in the life that I have. Acknowledging the sweet and the sour.

squash growing in the shadows

While I’ve watched and listened over the summer, something has blossomed and begun to fruit in the shadows. I have a bead on a freelance gig doing marketing writing from home for 20+ hours a week, which combined with the cupcake thing that starts in another ten days will keep us at about the same financial place we’re at now. But I’ll be mostly at home.

I should probably clean off my desk area at home to help reinforce the energy and growth going on. Maybe light a candle in my career center. And try not to cry too much from the sheer joy of it all.

The garden is doing well, but it’s been so chilly that it’s sort of stagnated. We haven’t had any ripe tomatoes yet, but a ton of green ones on the vine. I did a terrible job of marking my tomatoes this year. Again. And I didn’t take any notes in my garden journal, either, so I have no idea what kind of tomato these twisty, peppery looking things are, but I can’t wait to taste them. I think the name might have had blue and/or Cherokee in it.

unknown paste tomatoes

The summer squash is giving in to powdery mildew, so I’m going to pull them out sometime soon. Lots of beans and greens in the freezer. Time to plant some fall/winter greens and get materials to build a short poly-tunnel row cover over the south bed.

dill flowers against summer squash leaves

I enjoy the contrast and texture and wonky timing of summer. My dill has flowered and is already going to seed, but my cucumbers are only nubby little inch-long things. Why fight it? Why fight anything in the face of such cheery yellow?

So tell me…how are you?

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Category: Food & Nourishment, Garden, Health & Wellness, Listening To, Work, Writing

Comments

17 Responses to “True north and points beyond”

Cat B
August 17th, 2008 @ 9:02 am

Beeeeautiful photos and fingers crossed for Tuesday! And toes! Maybe when you’re home you’ll feel more like the occasional post on life according to Kelly! I miss reading YOU.

[Reply]
El
August 17th, 2008 @ 9:28 am

I agree the 40s in my short experience of them are a lot more about doing what works for everyone, and sweet goodbye to the self-centeredness of one’s 20s and 30s. I suppose we all just need to work to get where we are.

Good luck though with the job change. I understand how fraught changes like this are but sometimes “all signs point to yes,” as the 8 Ball says.

Gardening is so grounding and healing though. It’s so great you realize that!

[Reply]
Kelly
August 17th, 2008 @ 9:45 am

thanks Cat! I love you my friend.

[Reply]
Kelly
August 17th, 2008 @ 9:47 am

El, this is what I love about blogging. Other people chime in and help hone the edges of ideas into even better shape. Saying sweet goodbye to the self-centeredness—that’s it exactly.

and thanks for the luck!

[Reply]
eve
August 17th, 2008 @ 9:59 am

i went thru that quiet as well. i’m so easily strung out to the edges of my “web.” i’m so happy to read about you finding your grounded space. and your photo of the garden makes me want to cry, it’s so beautiful and tended to and loved.

[Reply]
Darcy
August 17th, 2008 @ 10:32 am

Seeing your post pop up this morning was such a nice treat– I had a little internal moment of “Hooray!” I’m sending good vibes to you for the work transition, which sounds like a really positive one. Thank you as always for sharing your story and all those yummy garden photos.

[Reply]
Kelly (fhf)
August 17th, 2008 @ 11:11 am

Holy shit it’s good to hear from you. You remind me of one of my favorite poems by Theodore Roethke. Thank you for sharing your little corner of the world. Oh, and those tomatoes look like some variety of a Howard German. Cheers.

The Waking

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

[Reply]
Kelly
August 17th, 2008 @ 11:28 am

eve, thank you for that. i feel like the garden is barely tended, tho wildly loved. it’s a miracle to me that it hasn’t devoured the house!

when I’m not working full-time we are so getting together, damnit.

[Reply]
Kelly
August 17th, 2008 @ 11:29 am

Aw, Darcy, thank you so much for such kind wishes. I’m taking that “hooray!” all the way to the finish line with me… mwah!

[Reply]
Kelly
August 17th, 2008 @ 11:31 am

Kelly. Damn. That made me cry. I’ve never read that poem before, and am going to print it out and put it on my desk for the next few days. And then bring it home with me when it’s finally all over.

Has anyone ever set that to music? It surely is a song.

[Reply]
Becca
August 17th, 2008 @ 1:02 pm

See, that wasn’t so hard! And it’s even better with photos!

[Reply]
Kelly
August 17th, 2008 @ 1:15 pm

Thanks for the push, Becca! xoxo!

[Reply]
kate
August 17th, 2008 @ 8:38 pm

damn, woman, i am so happy to read this, such sweet luscious energy radiating out of you, and the gardens pics inspired such a deep peaceful sigh in me . . . can’t wait to hear the news that the cube is gone and you’re on to your home desk and cupcaking and gardening consulting and whatever else Life has up her sleeve for you with your awesome Kelly groove you’ve got going on . . . so so so very dang proud of you (beaming love and yesness through the net right now

[Reply]
debra
August 17th, 2008 @ 10:58 pm

fingers crossed
xoxo

[Reply]
Kelly
August 18th, 2008 @ 5:38 am

thank you darling, Kate… I’m soaking up the love and yesness! I’ll take all I can get.

[Reply]
Jennifer (Baklava Queen)
August 18th, 2008 @ 11:39 am

Beautiful posts — photos and thoughts and self-directed kindness. I’ve missed you but am SO glad that this time has brought you some peace. Perhaps reading this from your experience will bring me inspiration as I go through some similar thinking and being. (Will drop you a line, “neighbor” — like I said, I miss ya!)

BTW, awesomely gorgeous new “About” photo — looks like you are definitely coming into the ripeness of you!

[Reply]
Angelina
August 18th, 2008 @ 1:32 pm

I’m sending my best wishes too and hope for a home-coming outcome! Lots of hugs and love.

[Reply]

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