Open hands and open heart
One of the most magical things about blogging all these years is the amazing people who have come into my life. People I would have not had the opportunity to meet otherwise because they live in other regions of the country and the world. I’ve also made connections with some remarkable folks who live just about right in my own back yard, but just far enough away and traveling in a different enough circle that we likely would not have crossed paths.
Jennifer, The Baklava Queen is one such almost neighbor, and I’ve enjoyed some lovely email exchanges with her about blog posts, local grain mills, baking and gardening. I’m so happy she took time to write a post on her own blog as a contribution to the Able Hands Photo Project.
“…the philosophy behind the project (at least for me) has a connection to how I approach cooking and preserving food and sharing it with others. Work has so often become a nasty four-letter word for many of us, but there is so much that we do with our hands to make life easier for others or to create beauty or simply to do what we each feel is needful in our own lives. Work can and should be a joy and full of meaning, and that’s what I try to practice in my kitchen as well in other aspects of my life.”
I love this. Check out her link in the quote, which is to another of her posts about the time it takes to make and eat local foods and fresh meals daily. Reading that has me thinking about my role as the keeper of the kitchen and how that has changed for me over the years from one of exclusion to inclusion. I used to hate having anyone in the kitchen with me. I couldn’t think straight or focus on my work, so I would shoo everyone out to play while I worked. But then I would get so spiteful and annoyed at the lack of help and at the sound and sight of the rest of my people off having fun while I toiled away in the kitchen.
Gawd, I was so bitter all the time. I still get that way sometimes, because everyone else has something just as pressing to do as getting food on the table. I sometimes resent the fact that I’m the only one who does any planning for meals — something that has to happen daily, and can get a little boring and uninspired. And sometimes, I just don’t feel like it. Sometimes I’d so much rather sit and read blogs or a good book. But those are pizza nights.
I have learned that if anyone’s hanging around in the kitchen while I cook, they’re fair game, but I’m struggling with the dichotomy between my two kids and the way they regard work. Lila is happiest if she’s given a task to help with and gets so frustrated if we forget to include her in our work unless she’s off playing with a friend. If there are mushrooms to chop for dinner, she’s my girl working the paring knife with precision. If Ty’s the only one around? It’s hardly worth the heavy sighs and leaking air. Ty is a teenager and I don’t know if I need say anything else about that. But I see other teenagers with much stronger work ethics and I wonder if I dropped the ball somewhere along the line with him. I think I did. I think we all did, the grown ups in his life. I think we have all handed much too much to him. While we don’t do that anymore, we missed the opportunity big time during his formative years.
I think when he was Lila’s age, I made every effort to distract him with play or entertainment so I could get my work done quickly, efficiently and without having more mess to clean up in the end. I didn’t know how to deal with “mistakes” he might have made. I wanted things to be as close to perfect as possible. I’m pretty sure that the subtext my lovely young man has absorbed is “why bother? It’ll never be good enough anyway.”
If he saw me working, it was seldom joyfully. More than likely he picked up my frustration and my hurriedness. I know we’re supposed to improve with age, maturity and experience, and I have. I have much more patience this time around (not perfect, but greatly improved). These two kids have very different temperaments and proclivities. But they also have had two very different mothers, and obviously two very different fathers.
I try now with Tyler to talk about my work in a meaningful way, as if chasing behind the damage done, trying to gently, inconspicuously show him how good work can be. How important it is to balance the work and play, to not allow the need for entertainment to take us away from caring for and shaping our homes and our world into a better place. I tell him why I cook the way I do, why I grow food and preserve it, why I write. Why I clean the bathrooms and mop the kitchen floor every now and again (so our feet don’t stick to it and hold us in place so we can be devoured by the ants attracted to the sticky film from the constant cupcake baking frenzy). But it’s difficult and I worry he’s not getting it, or that he’s getting it much too late so that it’s just words bouncing off and him seeing me do my thing and he’s thinking, well good, so let her work. I’m going back to my game.
But I keep at it. Remind him to do his chores. Invite him to help me with projects. There’s always work to be done and opportunity to talk about it.
So how do you think about the work you do?
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If you’re on flickr, I hope join the Able Hands Photo Project Pool and share your photos of hands at work, rest and play.
"All through the long winter, I dream of my garden. On the first day of spring, I dig my fingers deep into the soft earth. I can feel its energy, and my spirits soar."
~Helen Hayes
April 14th, 2008 at 6:45 am
Gosh, thanks, Kelly! It’s been magic getting to know you as a “neighbor,” too! I’m glad I’m not the only one struggling to overcome that “I run the kitchen” mentality, though mine has been more a case of learning how to welcome in others who want to learn without chasing after them with a dishcloth or ripping the spoon out of their hands, saying, “No, THIS way!”
It’s so much richer having company in the kitchen… I’m glad Lila loves to help, and I suspect that Ty may be absorbing more than you think. Just keep being the mother/cook/etc. you want to be, keep finding the joy in your work, and he’ll get it. 
April 14th, 2008 at 7:05 am
Thank you! Your post was so insightful and I will try to keep in mind what you have said as I raise my little boy. Thanks for sharing.
April 14th, 2008 at 8:03 am
My philosophy is the same as yours — a job worth doing is worth doing well. You’d be surprised just how much our children absorb when you least think they’re getting it.
Keep up the good work.
April 14th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
What an honest and refreshing post! I used to hate to have people in my kitchen while I cooked. They seemed to always be blocking the drawer I needed to open or in my path as I carried something hot. Now I relish the chance to have someone share my kitchen with me. I find that I am not distracted or nervous having them there. I simply ask them to fish out the pastry blender or whatever is in the drawer they are blocking. What caused the change of heart? I discovered that I was lonely in my kitchen. I made peace with my exacting personality and learned to relax.
Life has been much better since then. I can really enjoy having guests and not feel so “only” during meal prep. My husband actually comes into the kitchen to hang out with me now. I had no idea that the reason my kitchen was so unfriendly and stressful was me. No longer!
Blessings!
Lacy
April 14th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Well, have to say I never got my kids to help in the kitchen. Now that they’re on they’re own my daughter likes to cook for company, my son not at all. They’re big on take-out but maybe that’ll change when they settle down. I still shoo everyone out of the kitchen when I’m cooking. Kind of like to be in the zone and fly around the kitchen without bumping into people. But I don’t do dishes! Everyone else has to do those!!
April 15th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
I too have a hard time with help in the kitchen. I love the idea of helpers but don’t always factor in the extra time so I sigh heavily or say “no” when I am in a rush to get things on the table. Otherwise as long as I think ahead it is doable, until the arguing over who gets to do what starts or the mess increases before my eyes. So it is sometimes really hard to include kids in the kitchen but I love the idea of it and think it is a great , me yelling at kids time, oops I mean bonding time as well as a chance for the kids to feel needed and empowered. And unfortunately more often than not it is another activity for Mom to lead at a time of day when I am usually in a rush. But still if I can let go of all of that-it is a great chance to spend some time sharing something that is taken for granted. Sorry so long!!
April 15th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
with regards to the parts of this post about tyler, i offer the following thoughts respectfully, knowing that i am not privy to the whole story. moreover, and most importantly, i admire how much time and care you put into your family relationships.
with that said, you mention he may think to himself “why bother? it’s never good enough.” the thing is, do you think it is possible that in trying to undo the earlier influences you feel you may have had on him, you may still be implying the same thing: that what he is currently interested in (entertainment/games) is not “good enough”, and that “meaningful work” with its definition specific to you, is something you need to “show” him? this could easily make him feel “not good enough” or somehow deficient.
also, maybe you are trying too hard to talk to him, when instead a.) showing him by your actions what matters can be far more influential on a child than talking and b.) he’s good enough as he is and needs you to really demonstrate that you respect & value his interests as much as you want him to see the value in yours. maybe he’d talk to you about the early years…and what he noticed and felt…(again, this may already happen between him and you–it simply might not have been the focus of your blog post, which emphasized more talking than listening). moreover, as a teenager, he just may be pretty silent when you talk.
lastly, don’t look at the work ethics of other people’s children. often they are thus because of unremitting pressure by those parents to have their children turn out a certain way. so the children have a seemingly great work ethic, but no childhood, and no personality blooming under the guidance of a gentler hand. they turn out to be copies of their parents because they have no other choice. and, in terms of tyler’s particular work ethic–he just may not have found the thing that inspires him. you’ve found it in gardening, and cooking…but simply because he doesn’t join in doesn’t mean he has no work ethic. obviously, kids should have some responsibility growing up, but his lack of enthusiasm does not, to me at least, indicate a lack of a work ethic.
thank you for sharing your life and family stories with us. they are always so good to read.