An Evening Walk Clears the Rubble

Posted on | September 21, 2007 | 4 Comments

Last night I went straight from work to Lila’s school for the first family connections meeting, then rushed over to pick up my Frankferd Farms Co-Op delivery, then home thinking I would stuff my face with one of the burritos Chris picked up for dinner. But I didn’t feel hungry or tired or like settling in for the night. I felt like moving. So I put on some shorts and a tank and went for a brisk walk/run around the neighborhood.

As I walked, I picked up my pace with each step and felt the muscles in my calves and thighs stretching and working, releasing the tension that gathers in them sitting at a desk all day. My mind wandered from observations about my surroundings to interior things that I’ve been stitching at with mental needle and thread. Words gathered together to become potential lines for posts and for an essay I’m working on, and I wished I had a DAT recorder with me (or owned one). Then berated myself for thinking about buying gadgets to make my routine more productive when it was — hello — my first time out. Don’t get ahead of yourself there, lady Jane.

But it felt so good and I’m sitting here now thinking about the day ahead and seeing where I can fit in another vigorous walk with maybe a few blocks of running. I’ll need to bandage the hell out of my heels, they’re torn and raw because I wore the wrong socks and they scrunched down inside the back of the shoe and rubbed so much I turned around and went home way before I wanted to, and took my shoes off at the bottom of the driveway so I could get rid of the razor blades slicing into my heels. My shoes are old and worn out, not particularly comfortable for running, and so maybe I should get another pair of those before I start spending money on DAT recorders, no?

You see, I’ve been trying to turn over a new leaf with my self-care for several months now, taking random and inconsistent stabs at exercising. Whimpering my way through short sessions then abandoning it all for snacks at the vending machine. I discovered again last night that the result of a solid week of daily trips to that vending machine for snack-sized bags of Doritos and for Baby Ruth bars, followed by a heart-pumping walk/run is feeling as if antifreeze and nuclear waste are being pumped through your body in place of blood. Jeeze-oh-man, the nausea and acid and dizziness.

I am so only eating salad and drinking water today. I don’t care how sleepy I feel at 3:00, I will not get a Mountain Dew and a candy bar from the devil machine. I will not break my stride. And I don’t say that from a place of guilt or of beating myself up. I say that from a place of realization. Of waking up. I couldn’t even eat dinner last night because I felt so toxic, so it’s time.

I hate to sound like such a delicate flower…

…but something has been growing for a while, and is now unfolding.

[tags] exercise, walking, running, health, wellness, habits[/tags]

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