I Need the Right Conditions to Grow
Posted on | July 27, 2007 | 10 Comments
I’m sitting here at my extremely cluttered computer desk, listening to the rain (rain again!) and the birds and the rolling thunder. In about ten minutes I have to get up and make lunches, shower, wake the bean up and get her dressed and then head to work. It’s all I can do to not call in sick today. But I’m not sick in a physical way. I’m just sick of it. Sick and tired. Sick to death. Work is pretty awful right now while we’re all in limbo, waiting to be told if we still have a job or not, and everyone in my department is having a very tough time getting it up. Do they make Viagra for attitudes?
Here’s my fantasy day and weekend: I stay home and clean all day today, enlisting the help of my lovely but incredibly messy and lazy teenager and tropical storm Lila. In the past few weeks my house has gotten away from me in a big way, and I know that’s feeding and nurturing my anxiety/depression/frozen inaction—and not in a good way.
So the house gets cleaned, then I pack up a bag and drive somewhere a little bit remote. I don’t know, a hotel in the Allegheny Mountains? Something not too far, but a little bit wild. I have a laptop, my Moleskine, a bottle of wine and my favorite pillow. I’m alone with my thoughts. No kids. No husband. No neighbors. No garden to take care of. No dishes to wash. I take a few hikes over the weekend, nothing too strenuous, not too far into the woods, just enough to get the synapses firing to the beat of some wide open spaces.
I sit down and write. Lists. Make a game plan. Find the big picture and then break it down into manageable pieces. Prioritize those pieces.
Why do I need to go away to do that? I don’t, I guess. But I want to, very much. I’m in a place of heavy overwhelm right now, feeling pulled in too many directions. I have 5 freelance projects that are half-finished, and a freelance business I’m trying to get off the ground before I lose my employment. The idea of having to find another corporate gig makes me want to poke myself in the eye with blunt pencils.
So there’s a lot to organize in my head and out here in the world. I haven’t finished a thought in weeks, it’s constant interruption. Yes, some of those interruptions are my own thoughts clamoring for attention in the chaos of the days, but a lot of them are things like the phone, the kids and their constant needs, the neighbor kids popping in to play, meal prep, laundry, errands. Life. So I’m a cliché. Calgon. Take me away.
Okay, here comes my cheesy gardening analogy:
See that lovely carrot forming there in the rich, dark soil, with the sun warming the green fronds and feeding the plant? That’s what I hope to be—thriving, nurtured, in balance, with plenty of space around me so I can grow. But right now I’m more like that carrot the week before, when I had yet to thin the plants. I’m crowded, trying to drink up the nutrients I need before everyone around me gets to them first. We’re all depleted, me and my carrot family, friends and neighbors.
Here’s the rub: it’s my job to thin.
[tags] personal growth, work, money, mental health, retreat [/tags]
![[Bloglines]](http://herablehands.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/bloglines.png)
![[del.icio.us]](http://herablehands.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/delicious.png)
![[diigo]](http://herablehands.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/diigo.png)
![[Facebook]](http://herablehands.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/facebook.png)
![[Faves]](http://herablehands.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/faves.png)
![[Friendsite]](http://herablehands.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/friendsite.png)
![[Google]](http://herablehands.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/google.png)
![[kirtsy]](http://herablehands.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/kirtsy.png)
![[LinkedIn]](http://herablehands.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/linkedin.png)
![[Reddit]](http://herablehands.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/reddit.png)
![[StumbleUpon]](http://herablehands.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/stumbleupon.png)
![[Technorati]](http://herablehands.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/technorati.png)
![[Twitter]](http://herablehands.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/twitter.png)
![[Yahoo!]](http://herablehands.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/yahoo.png)
![[Email]](http://herablehands.com/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/email.png)
Comments
10 Responses to “I Need the Right Conditions to Grow”
Leave a Reply
writer for hire
recent grace blog
- 771. Furnace that came on without a hitch (58 in the house, time for some heat). 2. It's going to snow tonight. (no, I'm not happy about it... but it's good practice.) 3. Last year's fingerless gloves are even softer this year. 4. Hot tea with local honey so soothing on this scratchy throat. 5. Flannel sheets fresh from the dryer for a bed […]
Urban Farm or MFA – this will help either way
July 27th, 2007 @ 6:47 am
Kelly—I suspect every working mother has probably been where you are now. But I like the idea of a clean house and a weekend away. You deserve it and sometimes getting that space is what allows new inspiration to come in. Inspiration really comes when we get quiet. You can live the life you want and have it be one of balance and fun….but maybe not in your present job. This too shall pass. But now is the time to envision EXACTLY what you do want. It can be yours! Keeping the faith and sending love!
[Reply]
July 27th, 2007 @ 10:01 am
Kelly, I want to figure out a time when I can come up there and pick your brain and maybe you can pick my brain a little, too.
[Reply]
July 27th, 2007 @ 10:16 am
Oh, I would LOVE for you to come up!! the girls would have such fun, too! And Ty is still awesome about hanging out with the younger set…so Noah would not go unattended if he came along…
and I’ll cook for you!
[Reply]
July 27th, 2007 @ 10:17 am
Cath! From your fingertips to Chris’ need to work 70 hour weeks for the past two weeks. I can’t get a break until he takes one. Beh. Thanks for the support, it means the world and more to me. xo.
[Reply]
July 27th, 2007 @ 11:41 am
Uh, I could have written that.
[Reply]
July 27th, 2007 @ 12:18 pm
Well, yeah…and I do realize we talked about this at length yesterday! I’ve pretty much thought about nothing else since then…
[Reply]
July 27th, 2007 @ 1:06 pm
This is me right now too. Right down to the nitty gritty. But obviously I don’t even have a job, so I guess I’m not in exactly the same boat. But I sure am dreaming big of a solo trip to quiet land.
[Reply]
July 27th, 2007 @ 7:55 pm
You’re not the only one who feels overwhelmed! Sometimes it’s just one thing after the other and it really knocks the wind out of you. I’m in a similar position now, but it’ll pass. It always does. I’m hoping you don’t have to go back to corporate slavery—err, employment. No one should have to suffer such circumstances. Why don’t you find out if the local farm is hiring?
Anyway, good luck. I’ll be checking in once in a while!
[Reply]
July 28th, 2007 @ 8:57 am
. . . one of the things i’ve learned over the years about you is that you always come up with something amazing, you always find a way . . . i seriously can’t wait to see what the next unfolding is for you . . . seriously . . . i love to watch you live your life . . . i know it isn’t easy, but you are so unique and fueled by this sense of dissatisfaction with How Things Are, and it is so much more gorgeous and life affirming than the grey and Given Up that most folks have fallen into . . . we do not live in peaceful times, and your soul knows it . . . loving you . . .
[Reply]
July 29th, 2007 @ 3:36 pm
Oh honey, I wish I could come over and clean and bark at–uh, nurture–your kids while you had some time away. I don’t know why, but time away really does help. For me, getting out of my home office and sitting 2 rooms away or hitting the local coffee shop can be the difference between crafting good and great copy. I have no idea why. And then to ponder LEAVING?
It doesn’t sound possible for you now given Chris’ hours, but don’t give up on that weekend away all by yourself. Even a day and overnight. Hopefully a way for that will come to you soon.
Meanwhile, I’m still so inspired by and in love with your writing here this year; I love reading about your garden and your recipes; you’ve actually gotten me out of a huge rut in the kitchen AND garden! No veggies this year but Jack’s one tomato, but other stuff we’re working toward is forming based on energy you’ve given me here. All your hard work and energy will not be lost, and maybe this time now is that “darkest before the dawn” time for you, when it’s gonna start getting way better.
[Reply]