her able hands

Something I’ve had a hard time with in my life is accepting the choices I’ve made. Deeply accepting them, in a way that feels true, and safe, and certain. There’s always a period of self-doubt, remorse, doubling back, and sick stomach after big decisions and changes. I don’t know how to just embrace my choices and then let them go. I think way too much.

Reading the book Your Heart Knows The Answer, How to Trust Yourself and Make the Choices That Are Right for You by Gail Harris, has given me so much insight into my patterns of fear and self-doubt. I haven’t had time to implement all of the exercises, but I have thought a lot about how tricky it can be to differentiate between the voice in my heart and the voices in my head. How hard it can be to notice the subtle ways in which the mind snares me with my own best intentions, wanting to do the right thing, she throws a million doubting questions at me.

But apparently the heart knows, and it’s just a matter of learning how to listen. So I’m going to keep listening to the dialog that’s going on inside of me about going back to work full-time, putting my kid back in the public school system, putting my other child into daycare, and letting go of my vision of a small, community, organic farm (for now.) I’m going to use this opportunity to connect with what my best self knows is right for me and my family, to hear her clear notes singing softly under the cacophony of doubts and fears always ringing around in my head.

The book has also reminded me of a lot of practices that once made up a daily routine for me, of meditation, exercise, breath and affirmations. I’ve strayed far from taking good spiritual care of myself, and I’m glad to be thinking about these things again, especially in terms of living the best life I can live. It couldn’t have come across my desk at a better time, and if you’re looking for some guidance to finding your own within, I recommend this book as a very gentle, kind, loving tour guide to your heart.

Technorati Tags: Gail Harris, mind, heart, meditation, affirmations

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My latest post at DotMoms.

I swear I’ll quit talking about all of the big changes soon. I’m even starting to bore myself.

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The heat wave must have brought a new crop of bugs with it, because my garden is being decimated. Bean plants turning into lace again, and something taking bites out of and then turning the leaves of the peppers rusty brown. Then their leaves are all falling off. Cucumber vines turning brown and shriveling up one leaf at a time. Then last night I noticed that every last one of my tomatoes has blossom end rot. The powdery mildew is taking over the squash just as I suspected it would.

And of course, I’m leaving to visit my family back east in a few days, so whatever corrections I try to make before I go will likely need repeating while I’m gone. So that won’t happen.

I’m just going to quit making contingency plans in my head, and finally accept the message the garden is giving loud and clear: the market will not be happening this year. I know I have enough other things to do, but it’s still a disappointment. I like to think I can manage it all, but I can’t.

So! I’m going to enjoy whatever the garden brings forth, which right now is beans by the five pound bucket, chard, beet greens (and beets are forming,) and whatever little bit of Nero di Toscana Kale the rat bastard runny babbit has left in the sea of munched down stems. We had our first Eight Ball Zucchini, and the crooknecks are setting fruit like crazy. Maybe we’ll get to enjoy ratatouille before the mildew kills off the squash plants. The Vermont Cranberry beans are starting to climb their trellises and I’ll be tossing a bunch of peppery nasturtiums into our salad tonight.

The temperature is supposed to break tomorrow, bringing some thunderstorms and rain, and nighttime temps back in the 60s. Last night it was 78, and the air conditioner doesn’t cool off the upstairs worth a bean because the attic isn’t properly vented. We’re sleeping horribly, so I got up and put the fan back in the window and let it blow the warm wet air over us because at least it circulated a little bit of oxygen. Sort of. I need to change the sheets again (3rd time in five days) because we lay there sweating buckets and cursing into the night.

Is it winter yet?

Technorati Tags: heat wave, disappointment, garden

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…because I got the job for the Big Toy Manufacturer. I start at the end of August after I return from my trip east to visit family and friends (finally!)

Big changes afoot. Again.

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